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Dating highlights our biggest insecurities: We overanalyze what we say over text or Tinder, try on 15 different outfits before a date, and maybe even expect the worst and prepare to be ghosted or for the date to go badly. Sound familiar? To cure pre-date anxieties, try visualizing the best version of yourself. Are you confident, comfortable, or friendly? How would the most confident you act on this date? What would you wear? Would you even care about what you wear? Remind yourself that you are the catch that your date is trying to impress, not the other way around. Even if you don’t feel confident or calm, the simple act of visualizing your best self can help you relax and enjoy the date instead of getting in your head.
Furthermore, a guy who is trying too hard to impress a girl might agree with everything she says, thinking that disagreeing might make the girl not like him. In a nutshell, guys who feel they need to impress a woman think that they are in an inferior position, and as such, they need to do all it takes to measure up. And the downside to this is that it makes you come off as needy. Out of the need to impress, most guys will talk too much about themselves and their achievements, lie to make themselves look good, over-flatter the girl, etc., all of which will quickly make them a bore to the girl. One of the frequently asked questions on Google about dating is “how to get a girl to have sex with you on a first date.” This is one of the biggest mistakes guys make with dating. You see, if your mind is already on how you’ll have sex with a girl right from the first date, that’s going to affect how you relate with her.
Most guys believe they have to be tough all the time. Men are taught very early on to not show too much emotion. And for this reason, most men learn to not show any form of vulnerability around women. But the truth is that vulnerability can make a woman feel more connected to you. Think about it. Showing a woman that you can be vulnerable around her tells her that she’s special to you. It means you trust her, and she can trust you to be transparent with her anytime. For instance, some men will still like to show dominance even when they are at fault. But a man who willingly opens up and simply admits his wrongs, though is vulnerable at that moment, will only melt his woman’s heart with his honesty and emotional maturity.
Communicate your preferences: Share your needs and preferences early. Many times, people are concerned they will appear “needy” or “high-maintenance.” No, you are setting expectations. If your work requires you to be on virtual calls most of the day and you cannot text or call during the day, communicate this and let the other party know when you are available. If you prefer daily check-ins, even just a little text to say hi, let the person know. Are you punctual? Express your appreciation for being on time to dates. Are you constantly running late? Give your date a heads up and apologize in advance.
FYI: Being alone is a good thing. A single relationship status or even just time spent on our own allows us to turn inward, explore our truest desires, and get to know ourselves better. When we know ourselves and what we want, our dating lives become more fulfilling, successful, and fun. Any amount of time alone can be invested to understand what we want out of a partner, but more importantly, it can make us feel so whole we don’t need a partner. Let me go on a quick tangent about a few outdated dating rules that we really should ditch, like, yesterday. To start, my least favorites of all dating rules are “Don’t kiss on the first date” and the “Three-date rule.” Let’s just throw out any rules that imply that what you want to do with your body and when you want to do it are not up to you. Make your own rules based on comfortability and what you’re feeling.
Since it can be very challenging to examine yourself in this way, I highly recommend working with a dating coach. An unbiased third party can not only help you to identify what your current baggage is and why you’re still struggling with it, but also offer clear-cut advice on what you need to do to move past it. When new clients come to me unsure of why they keep accidentally sabotaging their own dating chances, I can often tell right away what baggage is getting in their way. Once you’re ready to really take a good look at your destructive beliefs and thought patterns, you can start replacing those with healthier and positive alternatives that will make you a more attractive, emotionally strong, and desirable partner.
Work on your communication skills. Particularly in this day and age, where people are busier than ever and have more devices to be reached on, communication skills are what can make you stand out from the crowd. Seriously, don’t underestimate how much texting someone back promptly or calling them to follow up on a date can make a difference in winning them over. This shows several things: that you’re conscientious, that you care, and that you’re reliable, all of which are highly desirable traits in a partner.
How you feel when you are with them is another important factor. If you feel easy, safe and secure effortlessly, it is a green flag. They have created an atmosphere which is safe and feels like home to you where you can discuss everything and anything with them. Everyone is busy with their hectic personal and professional lives, but the one who makes time for you despite being busy is a green flag. If they take time to spend moments with you within their jam-packed schedule, then this is a green sign that they are the one who cares for you and loves you.
Don’t…take someone else for granted! Like you, the other person is trying to date in difficult times and don’t want their time wasted, so be considerate. If something doesn’t feel right, be honest and give the chance for you both to move on. Do…set healthy boundaries. Those who feel they give more than they receive in dating and relationships, may have difficulties setting healthy boundaries. It could be time to work on yourself first. There is plenty of help available like the Made My Date ‘Coaching for Dating’ service, to set boundaries and provide tools to help improve your dating.